Whoops, I Got Married

In the time I’ve been missing in action from Covalent, so much has happened. I did some traveling abroad, I decided to take on a new challenge in my personal growth and education, I’ve had family health issues and setbacks, and oh, yeah… I got hitched. To be honest, it wasn’t something I was very comfortable with. Especially sharing it with the world. If you haven’t read my previous musings on marriage, check it out here: Marriage, please.

But after much deliberation between Erik and myself, we finally decided to bite the big one, to lock it down… to get married. We decided to do it at the OC recorders office, mistakenly assuming we would be at a counter window with a disinterested government employee à la Ron Swanson. Instead we were led into a dimly lit circular room with no windows, and a giant pergola covered in plastic flowers. Calligraphy script was painted on the walls, revealing quotes about love. The only words that stood out to me at the time were FOREVER and ETERNITY. I started laughing maniacally and hyperventilating. Erik rubbed my back as I put my head in between my legs and attempted to breathe. The overly nice government employee arrived, wearing Hogwarts inspired robes and started to read legit vows to us with the emotional capacity of Daniel Day Lewis. I was not prepared for this! We attempted to stifle our laughter, while tiny tears edged their way out. It was oddly romantic and sweet, because we were both so averse to the whole thing, and so uncomfortable it only made me feel closer to him. We went out for nachos afterwards to celebrate, which was the best part. We did end up having a little party (#notawedding) for friends and family in my grandma’s backyard. A potluck filled with my mother-in-laws tamales, and my friend Amy’s spicy Aloo Gobi, as well as tons of delicious Belgian beer. Amber [Fettle Vegan] made some amazing vegan donuts, and my aunt baked freshly made bread paired with olive tapenade and tomato jam. My nephews were running around playing soccer, while we stuffed our faces and our families mingled. It was a fun afternoon crowded onto folding chairs and miscellaneous patio furniture, that fell into the evening with our favorite people. I couldn’t be happier that we didn’t have a traditional wedding.

But what happens now? How do I feel about it now that I am, in fact, a married woman? Eh, still weird. It feels uncomfortable that I backtracked on all my big talk of being unmarried forever. It feels like a betrayal to myself, or who I thought I was, or who I always thought I was going to be. But it’s easing with time. I guess that’s part of growing up. I don’t regret it, and actually life doesn’t seem any different. I also felt like a bit of a disappointment to people who wanted to ask me about it. The questions went as follows:

How was the wedding? What were your colors? We actually didn’t have a wedding.
Wait, no Dress? No dress.
Oh. Well, what’s your new last name?
Errr… I didn’t change my last name.
Well at least let me see the ring! Oy vey, sorry. No ring.

Honestly, the hardest part has been getting comfortable with the H word. Husband. For some people, it seems to fall off their tongue so effortlessly. Whereas for me, it feels like I’m choking on it. For a while, I decided to just not use it at all. But then it was confusing when I was around mixed company of people who knew I was married and those that didn’t. I would say boyfriend and get chastised for it, then the not-in-the-know people would be like WHAT? YOU’RE MARRIED!?! So I had to give up that pipe dream of keeping it on the down low. Then I went through the awkward phase of using it intermittently by accident. Now, I am fully embracing the word and make a conscious effort to say it. I am holding onto hope that it will one day, be effortless for me too. I’m no longer choking on the word, but hiccuping over it like a drunk.